interdependent

How much more of these escapism acts before it really cracks me?

Or am I already cracked so badly that I can’t build myself up?

Milk, cookie dough ice cream and chips more cookies. Yums!!!

i attempted to do this post on my new iphone *beams with pride while embarrassed that i’m that lagged in getting one* but the wordpress app didnt seem to allow pictures. do let me know if otherwise.

the 8th day is usually the first day of a new week. just like how i count monday as the first day of a new week (although most people actually say that the first day is sunday. but that’s confusing. and it messes up the calendar in my head!). similarly, i’m going to regard it as the first day of my new beginning. i’m going to stop being slack and start doing the things i need to. namely mug hard for my mcat and finish up tons of bible reading and books for sot, which are all kinda depressing. but God’s good, im going to be done with them soon.

on a side note, here’s what i just had.

It’s already day 6 and the desire to eat has not decreased but increased exponentially!! In fact, I’ve came to the conclusion that I’m not really hungry. I’m just missing the motion of eating and being able to satisfy every pang my body throws at me.

And breaking that desire to constantly fulfill my flesh should, and is, compelling me to perservere in this fast.

day 4 is actually over but since ive yet to sleep, i still count it as day 4 :)

recounting last night, we had a feast to celebrate evan’s birthday. i know it might be a stumbling block, but i shelved my fast for that 3 hours with the excuse of preventing my granny/dad/whoever else from being upset about me fasting. and so regardless of its ethics, i gorged on food for the first time in 3 days. we had some huge ass oysters (i wanted to upload the photos but it was taking forever) and the BIG alaskan king crab. was so crazy full. and so after that it was back to fasting.

amazing things during sot. i mean, how can things not be amazing in that setting. pastor prayed for preaching and preachers and god’s vision simply gripped my heart. but im going to need more revelation and clarity from god on that. it’s like im hoping god will sharpen the image in my mind.

the highlight of day 4 was dnd. was fashionably late (as usual) but had a ball of a time with the folks from table 13 – garrie, bev (3 MUSKETEERS!), puifun, chungping, jiachi & rachel, weixin, altay and eugene! we went crazy at times and sabo-ed and made so much necessary noise. i hardly got any pictures cos there were FOUR professional cameras on the table! made me so shy about my lil compact camera. so pictures will definitely be grabbed from them.

a bunch of us went down to clarke quay after that and had fun! its just hilarious to keep making guys chug and cheating like crazy at the games. all we did was shout DRINK! without even any consideration for the rules. but who cares, rules are for losers. no? :P

i have more to say about dnd but its really late and i cant concentrate anymore.

i presume i had already blogged something about day 2 early yesterday morning? but whatever, the day doesn’t end till night right (hmm…)? so yesterday was awesome cos im officially DONE WITH SCHOOL! save for the form and cd ive to hand up and the convocation in july. but other than that, ive officially severed my ties with NTU! :):):) im so gonna miss bev and garrie though. how would my uni life be like without them? they’re simply awesome!

i look terrible cos i was sans makeup and i need a haircut badly! and ive way fatter calves than hot bev. so whatever k! :)

lunch was a bowl of cheng tng while i stare longingly at everyone else’s food :( even puifun’s disgusting bento looked so appetizing all of a sudden. i need to tell myself that i won’t die without eating them *deep breath!* and i can do it! and so poster day just went on while everyone else chomped on nice looking food that im pretty sure only tastes average.

dinner was crazy filling though. i went on a crazy rampage and downed 2 bowls of soup and 1 glass of fruit juice. i was crazy full and my tummy swelled till how i imagine i will be like if i were 5 months pregnant. the fruit juice was a tad too sweet though – must be all that excess sugars from the pear and apple.

speaking of juices, ive half a mind to start adding veggies into my juice. esp those that will help with constipation. and it’ll greatly reduce my sugar intake when i substitute probably carrots for it. or maybe i’ll just add spinach into my usual concoction and see how it goes.

anyway, running late for class! hence the abrupt end!

day 1 didn’t exactly ended very well. some anger management needs to be in place. but oh wells. lets just try to not do it again.

i automatically woke up at 630am. but i did what every sane person will do – dilly dally in bed. i should have got up to shower and pray and read the bible. but i didnt. the spirit is willing but the blobby flesh is very weak. in fact it’s so weak that it was willing to cross the road (shout a woah for that!) to get 2 cartons of milk to make its breakfast. what a loser flesh. boo. but on the positive note, i had banana milkshake! it was kinda weird tasting. maybe its just too thick – too much banana or too lil milk. but its a good start to wean me off my excessive milo diet when i go on fasts.

i started researching on creamy soups too. and then it felt really weird cos it didnt feel like much of a sacrificial fast anymore. so my resolution for this is: milk, juices and water for normal days. clear soups for dinner. and those creamy awesome soups only for weekends :)

oh. scary title. totally needa chillax on such weird statements.

first day is not even over and im already feeling so week. never felt like this before. had a sudden hot flash where i was sweating like crazy in an aircon room and i felt weak and my hands were trembling. i even freaked myself out! and i hit my daily quota of 3 milos even before 6pm :( felt like a terrible first day but its okie. gotta keep it going!

3 main focus of this fast : 1) asia conference 2) finances 3) post grad ed. dont think i can do any of them, including the fast without God!

a normal person will just keep quiet.

but all i can say is…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! IT’S OURS AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant explain my jubilation and excitement. but its just amazing. the image of suntec convention centre from every view just continually fills my head the whole day :D:D

and oh. suntec is officially a new word in my phone’s dictionary (im not qwerty yet) and im going to try to use it in every sentence. or maybe not. but it’s still my new favorite word :D

Photos courtesy of Singapore Tourism Board, KSH Limited and Suntec Singapore respectively

there are days where my imagination run so wild to the dark side that i just can’t rein myself in. i will imagine the worst and wonder if they’re really the worst or if they’re simply reality. i will wonder how i’ll react to those “extreme circumstances” – what i’ll do and what i’ll say. and then i rehearse those lines over and over again, perfecting them until i think they’re eloquent enough for me to use when such scenarios arise. though i know i’ll never have the courage to say them in real life. cos i’ll most probably just chicken out, turn away and run from that reality.

but the more i thought, the angrier i get and the more i want to be indifferent to it. and the more i ponder, the more depressed i get and the faster the tears rolls.

i wish this world was perfect. i wish we weren’t dysfunctional. i wish we were passive about it. i wish we trusted each other. i wish we honoured each other’s trust. i wish everyone will stop hurting the world. i wish the world will stop hurting everyone else.

but snap back to reality.

we aren’t perfect. we are dysfunctional. we are passive. we don’t trust each other. we don’t honour each other. we keep hurting each other. and the vicious cycle goes on.